Posts tagged Self
Mood rings.
7Those words always make me think of that one Reliant K song.
But anyway, why is it that everything, anything, effects our mood? That the wrong colors together, the wrong note, pitch, or just sound can make or kill a moment? Why are we so controlled by our own bodies and life around us that IT defines how are day is…not by our own choice.
How is it that even through hundreds, thousands even, of years that we cannot learn to control our body over this? Personally I believe we never truly want to in everything. That it is worth the downside of ruining our day for the times it makes it.
But still, moods. I never have understood why it is that we are restrained in these meatsacks we call bodies and their many, many limitations. We have so much potential in our minds and spirits…and alot can be restrained or stopped because of the limits our flesh and soul have caused us to have. Yes, I know it is strange to think of it like that.
But if I do not, who then, will?
Simply put, I like to question things no one ever even thinks to complain or question about. It amuses me the limitations we put on our minds and how we react to the world and it’s many hidden, stone set rules around us, and that no one ever stops to think why they are there, what made them so, or even why they cant change. I think it’s because everyone else is satisfied with how it is. It works right? hah.
But for me, even if it works, I want to know why it works, if anything else would, and if so, why choose this way for it to?
I’ve literally sent myself into a type of trance thinking about things like this. Thinking so far into my mind and creativity that all my senses intertwine and are no more at the same time. That I’m looking at blackness at night, but I see so many things I cannot fathom into words, sounds, shapes, or colors.
And it sometime scares me that I never hear of anyone else who does the same, haha.
But I guess that is just how it is, how it goes, how it will be. And for me, I am done with my rambling that is inside my brain. So until next that I decide to type my heart, mind, and spirit into words that you can read and try to venture and envelope into my world of thought,
goodbye.
Probing my psyche into a state of continual deprivation of self.
3I, sometimes–though it may seem dangerous–wonder into a state of which I travel so deep into my mind I forget I’m only in my mind, and that is now of which I am. When I am there, I find myself fascinated on which I see, smell, touch, feel. All those things I do, and I know I do, but the world could not explain how or why, because the world knows little of the mind of man. And in so, It makes it possible for some of us who are able, and willing, to delve so deep into our psyche that upon returning, this world seems bland and full of lifelessness, death, and limits.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could have stayed in the place on which my mind conceived as the truth, when it was nothing but a mere fabrication of my own will. And that scares me. That I wish not to leave that world to enter the real one. Is it so possible to dream of such things to replace truth, to bend the vert rules of space and time in our own mind. Make our own universe? Yes.
And I think I know why. We want to be like God, we want to create, change, and enjoy what we make. And what more free of a place then our free-will enpowered mind? I think he did that on purpose. In our body, we have limits. Many limits.
But in the mind, wow, in the mind the end is endless, the unbreakable is breakable, the right is wrong, left is right. Whatever we choose to fathom. With no-one to blame, thank, or enjoy it but ourselves. Now, it is possible to break some barriers and make a bridge between that universe and this. And that is with The Arts. But that, sadly, is still at limits.
But still, back to the matter hand on which I began to speak of, I sometimes scare myself, and all that is in me, that sometimes what I see isnt fiction, but only reality without it’s masks. And that isn’t a good thing. This world is very dark, and only 1/3 of it is seen with the naked eye. But to know that what I see, what horrible, terrible things I have been beset upon me in my restless night’s dreams and visions are real?
That is something is shakes me to the core.
A toast to my former self….
0Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. – Abraham Lincoln
Isn’t it funny how our former self can be the worst foe we ever face? How we are still be haunted by the demons of the past like we only had made their acquaintance that very evening.
How is it we can be trifled and overcome by the past, killed in our sleep like a slow poison…eating at our very soul… and decimate our very being; blood wrenched and worst of all…victorious.
How is it we cannot truly defeat this once welcomed; but now worst enemy…what is it’s name? Oh, you know it well…it is your past mistakes. Not done by another, only by your own blood, your own vices, your own lust…and the only one you can blame is yourself as it overcomes you like a ocean; wave after wave…until you are too weary, and are overcame…and ultimately defeated.
Why is it that we can not just own up to it all, get it in the open…share our faults, our fears, our pain… Instead, like little ignorant fools we keep it to ourselves…in shame, in hatred, in fear. So really, honestly…why not? Do we not realize every other being on the planet has done something as well? That we are all equal, that we have all fallen at one point or another? Then why is it, we cannot come together in whole, and truly be equal with another in all things…instead of digging our own grave.
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. – Romans 3:23Romans 3:23
English: World English Bible - WEB
23 for all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God;
WP-Bible plugin (NIV)
Semper Fidelis
0In translation from Latin, it means “Always Faithful”. On the back of someones car, it got me thinking…who among us can truly use this anymore? Sure it’s referring to the Marines. But I mean in a daily walk of life, who can use this? Me? You?…
I don’t know, life has been shooting me in the face this last month… Not just this and that… just everything; the point, the flow, the love, the reason, the peace, the hate. Just everything… I’ve felt so disconnected to the real world here lately…no reason to… just have been… I’ve been slowly reconnecting, especially with help from loved ones. But still, it’s just like taking everything in, its hard not to… to think of earth as a small dot in the works of everything. To think of work, play, sleep, and all the in-between.
I cant help it, I cant stop it. All I can do is try and rejoin the rest of you living your daily lives among another, while I feel like I’m observing ants in a ant habitat. Going about your daily life, all connected to one another without even realizing it really…but still all connected to each other. But I’m not, I am some kind of observer in the distance, commingling amidst you, and putting on a smile like I am part of you, but in reality only half of me is…only part of my spirit is, the rest is in a different world, a different everything. No one knows but me, and my God above…and most likely all but a handfull will ever know.
What can I do? nothing, ever. I have to live the rest of my human life in this meatsack of sin until the day my flesh dies and rots, maggot infested in the ground below, it almost is like the sin catches up with the body through the decay of the maggots…if you think about it that is what sin is coming out of our lives, life decaying maggots harvesting on our souls, much like they do our bodies once we die.
I’m stuck, I’m afraid, I’m slipping away… I’m tired, I’m scratching at the walls trying to hold on, I’m…I’m ready to feel at home again…reconnected, warm, at touch with my soul. Instead I am at war with myself, my will, and my heart. Because that is all I can do, and it cannot ever end… This, is my blessing and curse. To have this war. To have this disconnection. To have what I have, be who I am, and become what I will.
Is it worth it? Yes.
Does it always feel like it? No, rarely ever does.
Is this fair, you ask? Really, the answer is up to the eye of the beholder. To me, yes, it is for reasons noone would understand but me. But alas, I still have to bear it with passion, with pride, and with honor till the day I die.
Only me, myself, and God. But I know one thing…I have, and shall always be Semper Fidelis to it all.
Death.
4It scares everyone. It surprises us all. It sneaks up on us or someone we love off guard. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Scary thought, no?
If it isn’t then you are one of the rare few that have no fear of death. But what exactly, is death? And what, if anything, is after?
The definition of death states “Death: a permanent cessation of all vital bodily functions - the end of life”
But is this true? Is it the end? As soon as your body is dead..is that really, truly “the end of life”?
To most, no, it is not the end. It is only the beginning of something better, or worse…
For an example, let’s try some common religions.
Buddhist: Buddhists maintain that rebirth takes place without an unchanging self or soul passing from one form to another. The type of rebirth will be conditioned by the moral tone of the person’s actions (karma). For example, where a person has committed harmful actions of body, speech and mind based on greed, hatred and delusion, rebirth in a lower realm, i.e. an animal, a ghost or a hell realm, is to be expected. On the other hand, where a person has performed skillful actions based on generosity, loving-kindness (metta), compassion and wisdom, rebirth in a happy realm, i.e. human or one of the many heavenly realms, can be expected.
Islam: Islam teaches that the purpose of man’s creation is essentially to be kind to other human beings and to worship the Creator of the Heavens and Earth – Allah. Islam teaches that life lived on this Earth is a test for man to determine each individual’s ultimate reward or punishment in the afterlife, which is eternal and everlasting.
Christianity: Christian beliefs about the afterlife vary between denominations and individual Christians, but the vast majority of Christians believe in some kind of heaven, in which believers enjoy the presence of God and other believers and freedom from suffering and sin. One belief says that God, in His own time and in His own way, will bring the world to its appropriate end. According to His promise, Jesus Christ will return personally and visibly in glory to the earth; the dead will be raised; and Christ will judge all men in righteousness. The unrighteous will be consigned to Hell, the place of everlasting punishment. The righteous in their resurrected and glorified bodies will receive their reward and will dwell forever in Heaven with the Lord.
Atheist(or the lack of religion): One famous and well known Atheist named John Leslie states that ” Each of us, is immortal because our life patterns are but an aspect of an “existentially unified” cosmos that will persist after our death. The soul, consists of information, not matter. And one of the deepest principles of quantum theory, called “unitarity,” forbids the disappearance of information.”
“What good is this doing me, now I’m freaking confused…thanks Andrew.”
I’m getting to my point…stop being impatient.
So which should you believe? That’s not my decision.
But what do I recommend? I recommend that whatever you believe in, you really make sure whats going on, and you’re sure its the truth.
For me? Well I believe in Christianity.
That Jesus Christ was a immaculate conception from the virgin girl named Mary, and that Jesus is the Son of God. I also believe in the Gifts of the Spirit.
That sin is sin, we are all born into a fleshly body that naturally wants to sin, but that you need but only accept Christ into your heart, and he’s there with loving arms for as long as you keep a committed relationship with him.
That you try to live the best, sinless life you can, but that everyone is human and we make a mistake, but Jesus will always be there waiting with His hand out to pick you up and accept you just the same.
That you can only make it into Heaven through His name, Jesus Christ, because he, and he alone shed His own blood on the cross for all of our sins we ever have committed, are committing, and will commit, and that if you choose to deny him as your Lord and God, and blaspheme His name, that he says “But since you are lukewarm and not hot or cold, and I will spew you from my mouth.”.
But, again, this is only for those who choose to live a life full of sin, and not repent for their wrong doings, and accept Jesus’ free gift of forgiveness and love, that is always available.
And that in the end days, Revelation will take place, and that a judgment will befall the world for its unrepentant, perverse wickedness, and blasphemy.
And after that we will reign in heaven for 1000 years until God creates a New Heaven, and a New Earth for us all.
Did I always believe the above?
No. I found out after much studying of many religions and beliefs, that this is the one I know is true.
And does that mean that I’ll never question any of it again?
No. I’m too much of a thinker.
So does that mean I’m not sure what I believe in then?
Again, no. I just question everything.
I cant force you to believe what I do, and I’m not trying and I’m not going to try to.
But I will tell you this, I didn’t just believe what my parents did, I didn’t just believe what is the easiest thing to go by or to get away with the most stuff (obviously). But after awhile I knew that this was it, and that it was so much better then all the rest. That having a intimate relationship with a almighty and never-ending being was alot better then believing in dead gods/gods that never speak back to you, or that we are nothing at all, but matter.
So, main point?
Really take the time to sit down and ask questions about your beliefs, why you believe them, and what it means and does for you, especially after your body ceases to function and you are at “a permanent cessation of all vital bodily functions - the end of life”. It’s alot more important then you probably thought it was before this blog. hopefully anyway.
Madison.
4Well, not too much happened today, I slept in pretty late (well besides being woke up to that dog barking his head off non-stop at 8am 
)
But I kinda want to take this blog to talk about my love, Madison.
As I’ve mentioned before, me and Madison met at Assembly of God church camp this year in late June of 2009…we saw each other for the first time, at two different times…and even from then I sensed something different…something intrigued me about her…I didn’t know what…but I wanted to find out…
So, that night we ended up getting placed on the same team(that’s funny considering of the tons of kids…we got on the same team) and got to know each other…We talked a little here and there…and I just felt that feeling grow…and I liked it…but it confused me…because it felt familiar…but completely new at the same time…and at that time I didn’t know what it was…which if you don’t know now…you will soon enough.
So, at the next lunch thing, I saw her about half way across the room…and we made silly hand gestures and faces back and forth…then I went to do something else, after not doing so in a while…and she was gone…and my heart sulked…and I didn’t really understand why…I mean I knew why…because I was kinda afraid that would be the last time I saw her…but I didn’t understand why I felt like that for someone I verily knew…
But me and a friend named Nate left, and I saw her sitting on the brick sidewalk thing…so we approached her…and proceeded to make smalltalk, talking about everything from shoes, to the huge balloon making noise behind us. But I liked and enjoyed it, and enjoyed learning even the smallest things about her, and her traits, and her habits. She intrigued me so much…and I didn’t know why.
So, from then on Me, Madison, Nate, and later the next day Lacey, all hung out for the remainder of camp…
But before I get ahead of myself…I want to keep going about us…
that following night we went to the main night service in the sanctuary…and during one part of it…Madison grabbed me, and Nate’s hand…and we went to the altar…where we prayed, and was prayed over…but then we sat down…and basically shared our deepest and darkest secrets with one another…and my heart poured out to them both…but especially Madison…once again…I felt that feeling…but mixed with compassion and hurt that was done to her…and I wanted to hug and kiss her and tell her its all going to be better…and I had to stop myself before I did…and I thought it was strange I felt that strongly for someones pain within a few days of knowing them.
Then next day, about mid day…something happened with me and my ex…who was there…fun I know…and pretty much tried to kick me to the dirt, then kick me again…and I took it…and didn’t try to hurt her or retaliate. But later…after she left…it was just the 4 of us…and we talked about it some…and I remember Madison nicknamed her “The Dragon Lady” and told me I didn’t deserve being treated like that at all. and then the announcement came over the speaker that we had to go to our dorms to do devotionals…and that’s when me and Madison hugged…then she leaned in and kissed me. And I know it was a kiss of “Its going to be better Andrew”. But I couldnt help but feel all bubbly…and different…very different…and I didnt understand it…even telling myself “No…no…it couldn’t be that…I’ve only known her a few days?!”.
So, once we we’re done with that..and met back up with the girls…I acted a bit differently…scared of doing anything under the false pretense of her just giving that kiss as nothing more then a sentimental “It’s going to be okay” and scare, or anger her. But I couldn’t help myself…and eventually I kissed her again, and again, and again. And it felt so….right…which logically made not one bit of sense in my head…at all. I was thinking “No, you’ve known her a few days, you cant love her, and even if so, why would she want to love or be with someone like you? shes way out of your league, and so much a better person then you.” Yes, I know I’m hard on myself lol. But that is how I thought….
But I couldn’t resist being near her, holding her, hugging her, and kissing her…it felt so familiar, so warm, so loving…but yet…so new…so refreshing…so…right.
So, before the evening service we we’re sitting down talking…and she had drew a heart on my hand….and it said “I <3 you”…literally a “<3″ not “love” haha….and I held up my hand and said “Me too”…but she wouldn’t let me get away with just that haha…she said “What do you mean?”…and I did it again…and she said something like “That’s not what I meant…what do you mean…I want to hear it” basically is what she meant…so…even though logically, I knew I shouldn’t be able to fall in love with someone in less then a week…I did…and I know I did…but I was afraid to say it…afraid of her not feeling the same…or of it being a “camp-fling” or the likes….but I pushed away the brain trying to tell me it cant be…that’s only in movies….and I told her…I said “I love you”…and she said “I love you too Andrew”……and the next question relieved, but scared me…she asked “Do you want it to end at camp?”…I said “No, no I don’t….at all”…and she said “Neither do I” and smiled…and rubbed her hand against mine. :] So from then on we we’re I guess “officially” dating :]
And it was hard those few weeks after camp only talking on the phone…and it still can be…see, she lives 1 1/2hrs away in jacksboro 
….but once I got to see her outside of camp…and it was the same warm smile…the same loving, eager eyes to see me…I felt in shock in a way…because somehow…someway…she looked even more beautiful then I remembered…somehow…and I remembered her being the most beautiful thing as it was…but from that second…I knew it was love…and I knew…it was…for real.
And this happened and happens every time I see her again. It’s like I’m looking at an angel…even more beautiful then the last one somehow….with those same loving, warm eyes…and those compassionate (and delicious) lips :]
So everytime I talk to her, I get to know her more, get to hear her stories, and her mine…and I get to love her more every day…but when I see her…oh…It’s not just that…everytime I see her….I see the purpose of life, what it feels like to be loved more then you, or anyone else can love you, what it feels like to enjoy hearing her voice, seeing her eyes, her smile, her love. And to know that it is towards you, and that you are loved by her….it is truly breath taking…and a beautiful thing to have…inside and out…
Just like my love…beautiful inside and out…
Just like…my Madison. *kiss*
EEK! I sorrys! :[
2I haven’t blogged in a few days…oops! well…HI!
So, recap needed of the weekend? Not really…but I will anyway! 
Sunday:
Woke up at 9am, got ready, and went to church, had our pre-service practice at 9:30am, and church started at 10:30am…worship went well…Dad’s sermon this week was really good, but like it can be was a “toe-stomper” subject 
church let out and we headed to Luigi’s Pizza Italian Restaurant and ate some grub with my fam fam and Joseph Weaver and his fam :] I got Lasagna! mmm :] then we headed home, and from then on I was on the phone off and on with Madison. :]
Monday:
Hmm…well Monday was pretty bland, except getting to talk to my love after she was out of school :] Oh, I guess I could mention that Monday night I started messing around in Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, and Dreamweaver CS4 again trying to refresh myself, and get back into the habit. I’m going to start making something in Photoshop (or Illustrator) daily…even if its useless and random, just to keep refreshed, and to get practice in! That, and I’m trying to figure out how to make WordPress themes
Oh! Oh! I got really bored in Photoshop too Monday night and made all of these!
Tuesday:
Also pretty bland…except for once again talking to my love off and on when she was out of school :] — and a side note to my love, sorry you had a bad day today *kiss* I hope I helped make it better in some way throughout the day *kiss kiss* I Love You, My Angel :]
and that pretty much sums it all up, because I talked on the phone to me Madisono! And I ate grilled chicken with my fam fam + Aaryn = all my fam fam soon enough anyways
So yeah, that’s been My weekend/Monday/Tuesday/Why do I keep/Everything I say?/No/Idea/Huh/That’s just/Odd./././.
Oh, and yeah. Haven’t done this in awhile…and I really should have
Please check out these few sites by simply clicking on the pictures, and if your heart calls and beacons you, like it did, and does mine, then please join these causes…
It would mean alot to me, to many unborn babies wanting to live, and also to confused and hurt teens/adults needing love.
I Know…I Know…
0That was some hardcore procrastination going on there…wow…
I apologize.
Soon, not tonight as it is too late, I will get on here and get everyone up to date and start blogging again…the only reason I stopped was because I got behind and felt I had too much to cover now.
But oh well! I’ll just give a summary of it all and you can all deal with it haha!
Anyway, sorry for the long absence…I promise I’ll try to not make it happen again :]
Church…Oh, and Tacos!
0So, today was pretty blan up till 5pm when I played drums at church…we had practice from 5-630′ish….and it went decently well…I screwed up 2 of the songs majorly over and over haha…but it overall had a decent sound I’d say…not as professional as I like…but hopefully Ill learn these songs a bit better as time passes….hopefully hah.
then around 7pm we started…first song went good, second went well despite my messing up the beginning and forgetting to stop once pretty much…then the third song…well eh…it just sounded weird on my part hah…but song 4….ah, I love it no matter how its played…you know it as “Everything” by Lifehouse…I kinda came in odd but it blended ok…and hah…in the middle of the chorus the second time my stick broke so yeah, that was fun…
but I loved after that me and Corey (acoustic guitar player) started playing just us after “Everything” ended and we ended up making a new song pretty much…I love flowing…I get so drawn into it…I sounds odd I know, but I almost feel as if I’m becoming one with music when I am…like me and music is making love per-say hahaha…I really don’t know how to explain it…besides I just really get into the music then…
then after that Chris (the youth pastor) gave his message while we all sat around him, and as always it was clear and informative (if you want to know what he talked about you’ll just have to come and see for yourself! hah)…and afterwards we all went to the awesome artery clogging Taco Bell…and chilled there…then I went home and started blogging…
so yeah I cant tell you anymore after that without starting a endless loop…ad that would be good…It’d make the world explode or something…no…I’m serious…it would…