Archive for April, 2010

In translation from Latin, it means “Always Faithful”. On the back of someones car, it got me thinking…who among us can truly use this anymore? Sure it’s referring to the Marines. But I mean in a daily walk of life, who can use this? Me? You?…

I don’t know, life has been shooting me in the face this last month… Not just this and that… just everything; the point, the flow, the love, the reason, the peace, the hate. Just everything… I’ve felt so disconnected to the real world here lately…no reason to… just have been… I’ve been slowly reconnecting, especially with help from loved ones. But still, it’s just like taking everything in, its hard not to… to think of earth as a small dot in the works of everything. To think of work, play, sleep, and all the in-between.
I cant help it, I cant stop it. All I can do is try and rejoin the rest of you living your daily lives among another, while I feel like I’m observing ants in a ant habitat. Going about your daily life, all connected to one another without even realizing it really…but still all connected to each other. But I’m not, I am some kind of observer in the distance, commingling amidst you, and putting on a smile like I am part of you, but in reality only half of me is…only part of my spirit is, the rest is in a different world, a different everything. No one knows but me, and my God above…and most likely all but a handfull will ever know.

What can I do? nothing, ever. I have to live the rest of my human life in this meatsack of sin until the day my flesh dies and rots, maggot infested in the ground below, it almost is like the sin catches up with the body through the decay of the maggots…if you think about it that is what sin is coming out of our lives, life decaying maggots harvesting on our souls, much like they do our bodies once we die.
I’m stuck, I’m afraid, I’m slipping away… I’m tired, I’m scratching at the walls trying to hold on, I’m…I’m ready to feel at home again…reconnected, warm, at touch with my soul. Instead I am at war with myself, my will, and my heart. Because that is all I can do, and it cannot ever end… This, is my blessing and curse. To have this war. To have this disconnection. To have what I have, be who I am, and become what I will.

Is it worth it? Yes.
Does it always feel like it? No, rarely ever does.

Is this fair, you ask? Really, the answer is up to the eye of the beholder. To me, yes, it is for reasons noone would understand but me. But alas, I still have to bear it with passion, with pride, and with honor till the day I die.

Only me, myself, and God. But I know one thing…I have, and shall always be Semper Fidelis to it all.